I woke up on this day in 2006, my parents took me to lunch, and then started driving on the way. Despite my yelling and very strong desires to jump out of the 75mph moving vehicle - I somehow sat through the fear. For the first time in a very long time.
I vividly remember walking in with my mint green velour jumpsuit (shout out j.Lo)and sitting down in my first group where they were supposed to be teaching me how to just drink and smoke weed (or at least so I thought). It was as if finally someone could describe how I felt on the inside - something I had been trying to put into words my entire life.
The memories flashed back to laying in bed at night as a young child. Remembering how I would always try to figure out what made me so much different than the other children. Why did life appear so natural and easy for them? What made them be able to be themselves and seemingly happy?
As a child, I didn’t know about the path I was chosen to suffer through until the ultimate rewards on the other side. Two totally opposite lives — all wrapped up into one.
My early days of being sober were excruciatingly painful. It was exhausting. No matter how much I tried it never seemed to “work out” and emotionally I just got worse. I couldn’t stop and mostly I didn’t want to stop. I couldn’t live with it and I couldn’t foresee living without it. No matter how much I wanted to end my suffering by way of getting high or suicide - the universe ultimately brought me through.
Just as the universe has perfectly aligned my entire life; and it remains beyond my comprehension. Yet, I have never been without the resources needed to meet any situation head on; even though it does not always feel that way.
Years later I get to be granted the opportunity to take less and give more. I get to continue to be there for others - doing my humanly best to help, listen, but most of all laugh. I get to be fully present to witness and honor their painful struggles. I get to celebrate in their victories and accomplishments. I get to be honest, accepted, loved, and respected. I get to experience prolonged peace of mind and true soul level contentment. I get to be unapologetically me — with all of my morals, values, convictions, tenacity, stubbornness, intuitiveness, quick wits, perseverance, and fierce loyalty of friends and family.
On this day and many others, I now get to just be. Turns out, I never got to experience any of this because I was only numbing out my true nature.
If you’re struggling and considering the idea of experiencing this — send me a message at [email protected]. I’m here for you just as others are for me.
04.27.2006 - is all credited to the universe
Lauren Tynes